I love lists. At the moment, I'm making lots of them: Christmas shopping lists (I know it's early, but I can't resist!), big household jobs, people to call. But my favourite is my 'Adventures to have with the Little One' list. I know we won't be able to do most of the things on it for a while yet, but I am enjoying the anticipation and the value these simple things now have for me.
One of the hardest things about being unwell is the feeling that my illness is stopping me from getting on with my life. I see my friends taking on exciting new challenges - a new job, lots of babies or travelling the world - and it feels so unfair that those things aren't an option for me at the moment. Carpe diem doesn't seem to apply to me!
I feel genuinely happy for friends with wonderful news, but there's always a twinge of awareness that hits. 'You can't do that.' Now, I know things will get better for me - there will be a time when I can work and be much more physically active. But it often feels like the weeks and months I spend waiting for medication to work is wasted time.
Yesterday I was arrested by an everyday moment. It always takes us a while to get ready for the day as I'm very stiff and slow in the mornings. It was 10am and I was drying my hair in our bedroom. The Little One was bouncing around on the bed, giggling as he plunged into the pillows. As he looked at me and grinned, I realised I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Not in a high-powered business meeting, not on a beach in Thailand - I wanted to be here; I was lucky to be here.
I am so thankful for that moment as it made me that realise that time is only wasted if that's how you see it. Every day I have been given is precious and has it's own beauty.
And that's what my 'Adventure list' is all about - I've made a deal with myself that as I start to get more active, my priority will be those precious days out with the Little One. Being unwell has shown me what really matters. I know when the time comes I'll be hit with all kinds of internal pressure to get a job, be useful, be busy, but I'm not going to succumb. First things first.